Happy 40th to quirky comedy Lame Ducks! Here’s a rapid-fire overview and review of the incredibly popular Series One.
Episode One
Brian Drake’s lot is not a happy one. After being knocked down in the street by a turnip lorry, he ends up in hospital. His yuppy wife Jean pays him a visit with strange choices of fruit as well as the news that he’s lost his job. Oh, and the small matter of a divorce that she wants right away, as well as practically all of his money so that she can start afresh with her new fancy moustache man Ray.
While any sane man would crumble, Brian chooses to fight back. He may not have much ammo in the arsenal except for a new denim jacket, a rickety van and help from a former pyromaniac called Tommy, but Brian is resolved to eschew the money-hungry, superficial rat trap and start a new life as a hermit.
Lame Ducks was perfectly timed. With the growing emphasis on money and status in 1984, PJ Hammond created an unusual comedy that centred around a motley group of misfits and outcasts seeking to lead a deliberately downmarket life. This was Hammond’s first foray into comedy, given that his usual stock in trade was drama – most notably, Sapphire And Steel. As comedy debuts go, this is a pretty good one. It may have more in common with more gentle comedy writers, but it’s pleasingly unusual and contains some notably surreal elements.
Another interesting point to make is that the story’s only just beginning. We actually don’t get the full set of hermits until Episode Five! Whereas most sitcoms dart about here there and everywhere, Lame Ducks plays out in relatively real time. The comedy gradually unfolds in a matter of days.
Interesting casting – well chosen too. John Duttine is perfect as hapless Brian, a plain but well-meaning chap who’s one of life’s doormats. There’s a funny sequence in which he pops into a clothes shop to replace his suit with a more casual denim look and cool shades to replace his horn-rimmed glasses. But because of his injury, he walks with a stick, making it look as if he’s blind!
Doctor Who fans may recognise Primi Townsend (Mula in The Pirate Planet) as snooty Jean, who’s all poncy European cuisine, flashy cars and morally bankrupt to boot. A break-out character is ex-pyromaniac Tommy, a man who is so obsessed with heat, he insists on wearing warm clothes on a hot day and also keeps scrapbooks of anything fire-related. Patric Turner invests a lot of personality into Tommy, making him a funny, unusual character in his own right.
Episode Two
No Luton Airport destination for Angie, who’s instead hitch-hiking to Hengistbury Head to secure a rendezvous with one of her 18 fellas.
On paper, Angie does seem stuck in what modern-day audiences would regard as the dark ages. As well as living with 18 blokes, Angie is later seen to be there to make the tea and dinner. But Lorraine Chase adds bucketfuls of down-to-earth charm to her character, proving to be another asset to the comedy.
Not only do we meet Angie, we also meet ball-walking, droopy moustached Maurice. The man’s obsessed with breaking world records and no doubt has plans to meet Norris McWhirter one day by shattering the record for moving countless miles by giant rubber ball. Tony Millan had already provided brilliant support as the equally luckless Tucker in Citizen Smith, and once again, delivers the goods. Apparently, he had to train for weeks to master the art of walking on a rubber ball, which takes dedication to a whole new level.
Things are starting to move. Slowly, but they are moving. Not only does Brian now have his little band of hermits, he now has a new base called Tangledown Cottage, thanks to a chance meeting at a local fete with an alcoholic estate agent (John Horsley). In a quirk of fete, Tommy gets the chance to hop on to a fire engine, inevitably causing chaos.
Episode Three
Comedy legend Brian Murphy makes his debut this episode as private investigator, Ansell. He’s been hired by Jean to track down Brian to make sure she squeezes every last penny from her ex like pips from a lemon. Just one problem. Ansell’s not really private detective material. He’s neurotic. He’s paranoid. He’s allergic to practically everything he breathes in and touches. Somehow I don’t think this assignment is going to work out the way Jean hoped. Murphy, needless to say, steals the show.
As it reaches the halfway mark, Lame Ducks sees the hermits move into their new abode. Tangledown is the sort of property that would make 16p on Homes Under The Hammer, a run-down shack where the walls are growing some new kind of fungus. But if the group is looking to live like hermits, it’s ideal. There’s no electricity. No hot water. No gas. At least Tommy takes this on board as he ends up sleeping in a cupboard!
Episode Three does prove that Brian’s still clinging to his old ways, returning to the cottage with a brand new wooden bird feeder. But when attempting to find a suitable spot, he only ends up falling into a great big pit of mud. Here endeth the lesson this instalment.
Episode Four
Murphy again steals the show this episode. Just the small details like his nervous tics and squirming facial expressions are inspired choices. Especially funny is when he barges into a local pub to make a confidential phone call to Jean – in front of the landlord and a couple of locals (including Edward Highmore, he of Howard’s Way and also Doctor Who’s Planet Of Fire). Writing about it doesn’t do the scene justice – Murphy’s talent for physical comedy makes it come alive.
Slow-burning still, this episode effectively carries on where the previous one left off. Ansell is frequently spotted by the others, and is only busted when he all but runs over Maurice, who’s practising ball walking in the middle of a country road. Busted, he’s forced to come clean to the others about who he is – and to reveal that Brian will be picking up the tab for his services!
Episode Five
Only in this episode does Ansell join the gang (leaving Jean to no doubt tear her immaculately coiffured hair out in rage) – and that’s after some resistance from the others. His hiding place in the back of the van is quickly discovered. Like all good sitcoms. Lame Ducks reaches for poignancy in places and gets it with the ending in which Brian is touched to discover that Angie and the others have surprised him with a fully prepared allotment.
A quick shout-out to the opening titles, which tell the story so far in comic strip cartoon form. Even if you’re late to this party, you can still get a reasonable grasp of what’s happened within less than 30 seconds. No lengthy ‘So Far’ recaps needed!
Say what you like about the slow-burn approach. It worked a treat for Lame Ducks. The first episode is said to have attracted more than 11 million viewers, which is astonishing, since it aired on BBC2 rather than BBC1. The viewing figures continued to impress, largely remaining constant throughout its run.
Episode Six
The last instalment of Series One sees a more traditional type of sitcom episode. The gang are invited by a wealthy eccentric local called Mrs Kelly to help out at a harvest festival. It’s typical upper class garden party stuff. Pageants. Marquees. Toffs in fancy garb. Even Mrs Kelly is cosplaying a ludicrous Little Bo Peep.
With bad luck charm Brian in attendance, inevitably things go belly up. Letting Tommy loose on a barbecue is asking for trouble, and Kelly gets it, especially when this sets off a chain reaction that involves Maurice barrel walking and marquee colliding, and Kelly ending up soaked to the skin.
While the gang swiftly make a break for it, for one fleeting moment, it looks like Angie won’t be coming with them. It’s only after some earnest pleading from Brian that she changes her mind and rejoins her friends. She’s proven to be a worthy ally for Brian – especially after passing on the advice that the rich don’t give but take.
Onto new adventures in a second series! But that’s another story…
(Screengrabs credited to BBC)
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