The compilation rivals began their annual Christmas race for Number One on this day in 1989. But track by track, which is best out of either Now 16 or Monster Hits?
(NB: This is an LP version, so there’s no Fine Young Cannibals, L’il Louis or Brother Beyond, as this would have made it 35 tracks vs 32)
Sowing The Seeds Of Love by Tears For Fears v Ride On Time by Black Box
Monster Hits, in theory, should have the upper hand when it comes to snagging number ones. Despite an odd rebranding choice by the Hits Album franchise, featuring a cartoon monster in a tuxedo as its new avatar, it still had pulling power when it came to getting its claws on no less than three chart toppers. Meanwhile, poor old Now 16, for once, scored a big fat zero.
So how come Now 16 reached Number One, while Monster Hits had to settle for runner-up? I’m not sure that the rebranding did the rival series any favours, but when it comes to the Number One picks, only one out of the three is actually any good. Ride On Time was huge, staying at the top for several weeks – despite the whole hoo-ha of who actually sang on the track.
I say sang… maybe screamed is nearer the mark. With all that hollering about a “hot temptation”, Ride On Time sounds more like a woman who’s just ingested a Scotch Bonnet whole and isn’t too happy about it. The plasticky dance beat hasn’t aged that well either, so while Ride On Time sold more than the Tears For Fears opener, Sowing The Seeds Of Love stands head, shoulders and torso above it. It’s a richly layered, lovingly crafted and witty Beatles pastiche that deserved to go to Number One – you can read more about it in my review of parent album, The Seeds Of Love elsewhere on the blog. But for now, Now 16 gets the first win.
Leave A Light On by Belinda Carlisle v Numero Uno by Starlight
It’s hard to know where Ride On Time ends and Numero Uno begins. Same Italian production team. Same tacky 1980s drum machine. Same caterwauling, except this time, the vocalist has misplaced her lyric sheet, instead having to improvise by repeating “Oooooo, hoo hoo, yeah yeah, huh huh huh huh huh, hooooooooooo” over and over.
Carlisle’s voice is better, even though she always sounds freezing cold when singing. Her quavery, goat-like vocals suggest that this is more a case of Leave The Heating On rather than Leave A Light On. But it’s a good, sturdy rocker, boosted by an excellent George Harrison guitar solo. So two wins heats things up for Now 16.
Drama by Erasure v Oye Mi Canto by Gloria Estefan
Drama seems like a bit of an odd choice for a new LP’s lead single. It potters all over the place, mixing in accordions, The Jesus And Mary Chain and the local bell ringers from Reverend McGinty’s house of worship. I think it took three attempts to come up with a more accessible Wild card in the form of Blue Savannah (which would also lead the next Now, the curiously lacklustre Now 17).
Still, it;s better than the forced jollity of Oye Mi Canto. I remember that relatives had been humming and hawwing over what to tape to get me as a present in 1989, and while I gratefully received The Miracle by Queen, I was flummoxed to learn that they had considered Cuts Both Ways by Gloria Estefan, which is not my sort of thing at all. Bland ballad sop or wedding disco cheese were the only two modes on the follow-up to Anything For You, neither of which hold out much appeal. Drama may be an oddity, but it still takes centre stage over what sounds like an Ewok conga line.
I Want That Man by Deborah Harry v Lambada by Kaoma
I don’t know why the Lambada became such a big dance craze around 1989/1990. Given that I can’t dance, this is probably why. But it seemed to be everywhere on TV. I think Bruce Forsyth used it for a semi-final in his revamped Generation Game once.
(By the way, did you know that my guide to Brucie’s original run of The Generation Game is now available to buy as a paperback at Amazon? Plug over.)
The Lambada always left me cold, so Now 16 gets four wins on the trot. The artist formerly known as Debbie came up with a stonking comeback single anyway. It’s catchy, and nearly on a par with her earlier classic Blondie years. She couldn’t keep up the momentum as follow-up Sweet And Low fared less well in the charts, but Deborah – as she was now known – brings home another win for Now 16.
If Only I Could by Sydney Youngblood v All Around The World by Lisa Stansfield
I like If Only I Could. This dancey plea for world peace is given added oomph by Youngblood’s silky baritone. But seeing as Monster Hits desperately needs a win by this stage, I’m going to award this round to All Around The World.
Despite the odd tendency to make a strange clucking noise like a chicken, Stansfield’s soulful vocals are great. For once, All Around The World deserved its Number One status, a classic slice of blue eyed soul that also features a stellar, spoken introduction that sounds nothing like the rest of the song – that bit of extra genius gives Monster Hits its first win. Hurrah!
Name And Number by Curiosity Killed The Cat v The Real Wild House by Raul Orellana
A move from Italian to Spanish house, and this is better than the first two tracks – partly down to some excellent Spanish Flamenco guitar and partly down to a welcome sample of Iggy Pop’s Real Wild Child.
But Curiosity’s splendid jazz funk scores again. I always thought it was a shame that their second album Getahead didn’t do better in the charts as it’s rather fine. Jazz-style funk has always been one of my favourite genres, so I guess it was inevitable that this track is more my cup of tea. I like the strange chord changes between chorus and verse, and the way that it goes nuts at the end with extra backing vocals thrown into the melee.
You Keep It All In by The Beautiful South v The Sun Rising by The Beloved
I’m torn on this one. Two fantastic tracks, both polar opposites. You Keep It All In is a quintessentially British romp reminiscent of one of those jazzy 1960s ITC spy dramas. The Sun Rising is a hypnotic trancey classic that reminds me of watching the sun come up on a sunny beach in warmer climes.
Since I prefer the sun to the cold (You Keep It All In has more of a cosy roaring fire in the pub ambience), it’s The Sun Rising for me. But they’re both superb.
Sweet Surrender by Wet Wet Wet v I Feel The Earth Move by Martika
Much as Martika’s clunky interpretation of the Carole King classic grates, it’s still better than the lead single from the Wets’ difficult second album.
Popped In Souled Out – despite its awful title – was a top-notch debut, but Holding Back The River lacks sparkle. Sweet Surrender sounds like a Poundstretcher Spandau Ballet, a feeble attempt at AOR soul that misses the mark.
And while Marti Pellow’s gurning smugness practically oozes out of the speakers, the fade-out weirdly sounds like a choir of Blakeys from On The Buses.
Breakthru by Queen v Cherish by Madonna
I’m committing hari kari or the ultimate sin or whatever they call it. But I’m sticking by my decision to nominate Cherish. Breakthru is a good Queen track, but it’s by no means the best track from The Miracle. I always thought that The Invisible Man and Scandal were much more superior, whereas Breakthru is more a case of the band phoning it in a wee bit.
Cherish, however, is easily the best from Madge’s Like A Prayer, a finger-clicking good pop ditty that could even turn Victor Meldrew’s frown upside down. Actually, I think it may be one of Madonna’s finest ever moments.
The Best by Tina Turner v Don’t Ask Me Why by Eurythmics
I’m not sure why, but The Eurythmics always left me a bit cold. I suspect it may have something to do with a ratty kid at school who was always harping on about them, so that put me off for a start. Plus, I’ve kind of found their stuff a bit too over-earnest and dare I say it, dull?
The Best may be shrieked at top volume by sloshed hen parties all over the globe, but there’s no arguing with the late great Tina Turner’s signature tune. In this case, it lives up to its name by being The Best of this round.
Born To Be Sold by Transvision Vamp v The Road To Hell by Chris Rea
Mum and Dad had become Chris Rea fans by 1988. I remember Dad bringing home a tape that a workmate of his had recorded with Fleetwood Mac’s excellent Tango In The Night on one side and Rea’s Dancing With Strangers on the other. Mum especially liked the latter, and so for her, 1988 became the Year Of The Rea, quickly buying a copy of On The Beach and the tape of New Light Through Old Windows.
So Rea’s moody Road To Hell would have won anyway, but when it’s pitted against the woeful Born To Be Sold it’s a no-brainer. Don’t get me wrong, Rea’s gruff timbre sounds like a man who takes 10 spoonfuls of gravel in his coffee, but it’s miles ahead of Wendy James’ lazy croak as she intones various pop art icons who were “Born to be sold.” Much as I like the grungy guitar solo, Born To Be Sold’s odd clash of styles mixes ’60s-style scat, punk and curiously out-of-place upper class sounding backing voices.
Waterfall ’89 by Wendy & Lisa v If I Could Turn Back Time by Cher
One of Cher’s biggest hits, but it’s unfortunate that it’s landed in the songstress’s Wimp Rock phase. Plus, it always reminds me of hapless Ronnie Mitchell blubbing her way through the chorus while at Danielle’s grave in EastEnders. It’s chilling.
Anyroad, the souped up version of Waterfall rocks far harder and proved that Wendy & Lisa were on a winning streak (at least critically) in 1989, following their excellent single, Satisfaction and equally playable Fruit At The Bottom album. Alas, the remix waterfell, and failed to make any substantial impression on the charts.
The Sensual World by Kate Bush v Love In An Elevator by Aerosmith
Again, I’m going against the grain. As a big fan of Kate Bush, I’m surprised that I’m choosing the Aerosmith track, if only for it’s good-time goofiness.
If it had been the outstanding This Woman’s Work, this wouldn’t have been the case, but the lead title track from The Sensual World doesn’t quite live up to the promise. It’s a bit too pretentious for my liking – despite Kate doing her best William Hartnell impression by repeatedly warbling: “Hmmmmmm… yes.”
Sugar Box by Then Jerico v Poison by Alice Cooper
Like Cher, Alice is trapped in his Wimp Rock cell by 1989. All the great man’s quirks have been ironed out by the King Of Wimp Rock, Desmond Child – to be replaced by a sanitised, fast food equivalent that has less taste than a cardboard cheeseburger.
Poison did remarkably well though – I guess it appealed to the same folks who like Bon Jovi. In other words, it’s heavy metal for people who don’t actually like heavy metal. It did better than it should have done, as the track’s nothing to write home about. So even though Sugar Box is equally wet, it’s not quite as disappointing as Alice’s 1989 sell-out.
Room In Your Heart by Living In A Box v Head On by The Jesus And Mary Chain
Monster Hits contains a small portion of flops. Around four or five tracks were selected before release, so the compilers were playing guessing games with regards to hit status. Going by their track record, it’s reasonable to assume that The Jesus And Mary Chain could have had a hit with Head On – if only it wasn’t such a forgettable drone.
That said, it’s miles better than the ghastly Room In Your Heart – the sort of sickly love ballad that Liz Truss might use as background music in her boudoir.
A prototype of your average X Factor winner ballad, Room In Your Heart offers corny lyrics, gradually swelling melodrama and a screaming choir doing its best to drown out the lead singer. It also contains the obligatory “Waaaarrrrggghhhhh” scream that is featured in practically every Living In A Box track.
Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx v Walking On Thin Ice by Fuzzbox
Same as above. Walking On Thin Ice should have been a hit but wasn’t. In this case though, it’s a shame that it didn’t do well. I liked Fuzzbox’s quirky, cartoony take on pop and their Big Bang LP is a mini-masterpiece.
Meanwhile Richard Marx sped all the way to Number Two with a big-haired, big-voiced load of nothing. It’s sung well. It’s played well. But ye gods, it’s boring.
Girl I’m Gonna Miss You by Milli Vanilli v You Got It by Simply Red
Disqualification! How can I put through a track that doesn’t even feature the supposed singers? All they’re doing is miming. By the same logic, anyone can do this. II could do this. I could don a terrible 1980s mullet wig and mime along. I may look laughably unconvincing, but I could still do it.
While the thought of Charlie Drake crooning sweet nothings again may not sound particularly enticing, You Got It surprised me. It wasn’t a hit – surprisingly – but I like it a lot. It’s less bombastic, the chord choices I love, the instrumentation is exemplary. It’s a revelation.
Street Tuff by Double Trouble & The Rebel MC v Never Too Much by Luther Vandross
The remix for Never Too Much wasn’t needed. The 1983 original was good enough without a few extra 1989 fake drums clattering all over the place. Luther’s superlative vocals alone make this – so while Street Tuff is an improvement on the Milli Vanilli one, and at least the Rebel’s voice is genuine, it’s this 1983 classic that scoops the prize.
On Our Own by Bobby Brown v Don’t Make Me Over by Sybil
Sybil’s Dont Make Me Over is perfectly pleasant, but the backing track sounds like a child’s toy. Unsurprisingly, it’s produced by our old chums, Stock Aitken & Waterman. The trio’s Stock was waning by the end of 1989, and by the same time a year later, they’d all but vanished. So while the song itself is very good, and Sybil’s vocals are fine, it’s the tinny production values that let the side down.
Plus, the Bobby Brown Ghostbusters theme tune is too hot to handle. It’s a guaranteed floor filler with a tune that’s sure to lodge in the brain.
Pump Up The Jam by Technotronic v I Need Your Lovin’ by Alyson Williams
This is another case of vocals winning the day. Alyson Williams alternates between sweetly subtle and passionate, raw soul. A nice change of pace after the bombastic Sweet Talk.
Some of these face-offs have been like shooting fish in a barrel, though. Technotronic may have scored huge hits in 1989 and 1990, but like SAW, they quickly vanished from the face of the Earth. Good music lasts, but LazyTown-style backing tracks date quicker than flares.
(Yes, I know LazyTown wasn’t around in 1989 – this just reminds me of the 00s kids show soundtrack. Capisce?)
I Thank You by Adeva v Partyman by Prince
Trickier to call. Adeva’s powerhouse vocals complement this bongo-driven groover well. It knocks spots off stuff like Milli Vanilli and Technotronic, but compared to its fab predecessor Warning, it’s not quite up to the mark.
Partyman, however, pulls a switcharoo by being better than its predecessor, Batdance – a decent enough dance soundtrack showcase – but this one has an actual tune which spotlights the quirkier side of Prince a bit more.
C’mon And Get My Love by D-Mob Introducing Cathy Dennis v Secret Rendezvous by Karyn White
In terms of vocal performances, White wins hands down. Dennis may have gone on to become an acclaimed songwriter, but her whiny, weedy voice struggles to be heard against Danny D’s dancefloor popping. It’s like listening to CBeebies’ Bing wrestle with an out of control food mixer.
White’s powerhouse vocals are a bit wasted on a Jam/Lewis By Numbers experience, but it’s still breezy and likeable enough to get my vote.
Eye Know by De La Soul v Love’s About To Change My Heart by Donna Summer
Another amazing singer sadly taken too soon, Donna Summer gives this track her all. But since it’s another SAW production, Summer’s vocal talents are wasted. She’s way too overqualified for a cut and paste backing track. The issue I have with SAW is that their output is so run-of-the-mill. It never aspires to be anything more than mediocre as long as it sells by the shedload.
De La Soul, on the other hand, reach for something a lot more individual. I’ll freely admit that I’m not a fan of rap or samples – I think it’s a cop-out on both counts – but De La Soul brought a quirky take on both. Their source material is inspired – here, it revolves around the classic Peg by Steely Dan with Otis Redding’s whistling from Sittin’ On The Dock Of The Bay tossed in for good measure. Unlike most rap, it’s creative, innovative… whatever ative you want to call it. What other rap act would revolve a whole album around a fictional gameshow?
Whatcha Gonna Do With My Lovin’ by Inner City v Losing My Mind by Liza Minnelli
Two more cover versions – one more memorable than the other, albeit for all the wrong reasons.
Inner City’s reading of the Stephanie Mills underground sleeper is workmanlike but good enough. But Losing My Mind is just… weird. The Pet Shop Boys production doesn’t mesh with Minnelli’s strange vocals. Every time she hollers: “Looossshing my moooi-hoh-hind”, it cracks me up with laughter because it sounds so ridiculous. It’s campy kitsch, pure and simple, but the clash between the cold PSB synths and Minnelli ham is too much.
Can’t Shake The Feeling by Big Fun v That’s What I Like by Jive Bunny & The Mastermixers
On this occasion, the outcome seems a certainty. Or is it?
Big Fun were one of the last attempts by SAW to create a boy band (see also Yell), but their lacklustre squawking meant that dumper-dom inevitably beckoned within the space of just one year.
Can’t Shake The Feeling is consequently unmemorable, but then it’s up against Jive Bunny – which throws the competition into a whole new sphere. For those unawares, Jive Bunny was a cartoon rabbit that was the face of a shoddy slice ‘n’ dice job of mixing together various ’50s and ’60s hits. Some of these samples weren’t even the real deal, with obvious soundalikes crowbarred in when the Mastermixers blatantly couldn’t afford to pay for usage permission.
That’s What I Like was the second of three number ones for Jive Bunny and along with the likes of Mr Blobby, Mrs Brown’s Boys, Brexit and Trump, is proof positive that the public at large have appalling, appalling taste.
I Just Don’t Have The Heart by Cliff Richard v My Love by London Boys
Fair play to Cliff, at least he was still trying to find new ways of making music at the creaky old age of 49. But teaming with SAW was maybe one step too far – like Losing My Mind, it’s a pair-up that’s too bizarre to work. Cliff’s quavery warble (see Leave A Light On) clashes sharply with the then-trendy SAW music activity centre for two-year-olds signature sound. He’s clearly aiming to get with the times, but ends up looking like grandad on the dancefloor.
So My Love wins by default, even if its laughably histrionic production swamps what could have been quite a good tune. After three samey-sounding hits that gradually decreased in chart status, regrettably but inevitably, My Love flopped for the sadly since-deceased London Boys. But here at the blog, it wins!
Comment Te Dire Adieu by Jimmy Somerville Featuring June Miles-Kingston v Blame It On The Boogie by Big Fun
“I just can’t, I just can’t control my feet,” repeat The Fun, and never a truer sentence was sung. It’s a laughably clumsy version of The Jacksons classic, and after having to listen to two Big Fun tracks in one day, I clearly deserve a medal.
Max Branning also does a cover with June Miles-Kingston and is little more than a more danceable version of a Communards cover. It’s a bit more peppy than The Fun though, and the vocals are a bit better, so by bon chance, it’s taking the win this round.
You’re History by Shakespear’s Sister v Chocolate Box by Bros
If my wife was writing this blog, she would have chosen Bros in a heartbeat – if only for the nostalgia value of the days when she was a Brosette.
Since it’s me, I was never a fan of Bros, I’m afraid. But it’s still an improvement on the last three tracks on Monster Hits, a credible stab at funk rock. Alas, it’s not quite good enough to steal You’re History’s thunder. Having tired of Bananarama’s SAW ennui, Siobhan Fahey decided to go it alone and create a more distinctive duo with former session singer, Marcella Detroit.
The results weren’t instant. Parent album Sacred Heart didn’t set the charts alight when released in 1988, and after You’re History, the duo wouldn’t trouble the charts again until 1992. But You’re History is a banger of a tune and is one of the highlights of Now 16.
Oh Well by Oh Well v After All by Sam Dees
A good example of how charity shop visits are well worth it to sample some oft-forgotten 1980s choons. Oh Well is one of the more oblique cover versions of the decade, this time covering Fleetwood Mac’s droll lament from 1969. Ironically, this was the Oh Well I first heard rather than The Mac one, so it’s not as jarring as others may find it.
Sam Dees’ After All is a right old gut punch of a track. His singing is top dollar, but by thunder, this is depressing stuff. The dying moments of a relationship are but a blur in the distance as After All despairs over divorce courts and huge sums of money being paid out to a greedy ex. It also features the saxophone, which is the saddest sounding instrument ever.
I’m too busy blubbing into my hanky to work out who won that round.
Kisses On The Wind by Neneh Cherry v Git On Up by Sam Dees
It’s no wonder that Git On Up passed me by at the time, since it’s merely a bloke shouting “Geddup, git on up” over and over an over-compensating coffee espresso machine. About the only memorable thing about it is that it includes the word ‘Git’ in the title – reminding me of Rodney Trotter shouting at Del after one of his harebrained schemes have backfired.
Kisses On The Wind, meanwhile, doesn’t get mentioned as much as Buffalo Stance or Manchild, and yet it should do. It’s an awesome example of a forgotten classic – funky but quirky with some neat touches as the foreign language spoken intro. Neneh emerges as the victor!
Do The Right Thing by Redhead Kingpin & The FBI v I Can’t Dance by The Beatmasters Featuring Betty Boo
Like De La Soul’s Eye Know, Do The Right Thing plunders the ’70s classics for inspiration – this time using KC And The Sunshine Band’s I Get Lifted as its main template. I like it actually though – it’s got a sound message at its core, and it does include one or two interesting technical tricks, such as the creepy, scratchy intro.
But then I also like The Beatmasters’ & Betty Boo’s I Can’t Dance very much. Already displaying plenty of sass, Betty Boo’s part diatribe rap, part cooing pop star made her an ideal breakout act in her own right. This is a corking stomper, but by this point, I’m shattered. I’ll call it a draw because both tracks are equally as worthy.
Wishin’ On A Star by Fresh 4 Featuring Lizz E v Pacific State by 808 State
Rose Royce have had mixed fortunes when it comes to cover versions or samples. For every Theme From S-Express (which brilliantly sampled Is It Love You’re After), you get a morose clunker like this album closer.
I’m not sure what Fresh 4 were aiming for here. Sending listeners to sleep, maybe. It’s got that dreary drum machine beat that dogged many an early ’90s dance/rap cut, and on top of this, the vocals are so… unenthusiastic, shall we say.
It’s left to 808 State to round out the battles with another win for Monster Hits – which after a shaky start, came into its own with some great sleeper classics. This Manchester rave favourite is bursting with energy and the mournful saxophone may even put a tear in your eye if you’re taking a breather on the dancefloor.
(Cover art credited to Quick On The Draw – Now 16 and Dampier Robertson Redel, Felix and Tomcat – Monster Hits)
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