Bonnet De Douche! Here is my countdown of my 20 most Cushty Only Fools And Horses episodes in no other order but chronological. Lovely Jubbly!
Big Brother
Where else to start but right at the beginning?
Big Brother may not have the laugh-out loud attraction that some of the later episodes have, but in terms of establishing a sitcom environment and its major players, it’s astonishingly good.
John Sullivan had already cemented himself as a writer to look out for with Citizen Smith. His tales of ambitious but inept revolutionary Wolfie Smith had pulled in plenty of viewers between 1977 and 1980, so a quick commute from Tooting to Peckham saw a change of dynamics. Moving away from an individual idealist, his girlfriend and his mates, Sullivan now tried his hand at creating an individual idealist and his dysfunctional family.
That Peckham-dwelling idealist is Del Trotter, and David Jason already has that character mapped out. While some of the larger than life aspects of his performance aren’t there yet, in his introductory story, Jason has Del to a tee – the cocky, wheeler-dealing wideboy with a heart of gold under the brash.
Nicholas Lyndhurst is also inspired casting as the more idealistic Rodney, and it’s odd to think that he would have been the more famous name at the time, having starred in Butterflies – whereas Jason’s sitcom career had stalled and started with the likes of ITV misses such as Lucky Feller and a memorable guest spot as old Blanco in Porridge.
The third vital ingredient is Lennard Pearce as Grandad, offering a wistful melancholy with a great comic twist. “That Sidney Potter’s a good actor, innee, Rodney,” immediately sums up the character’s own lazy cluelessness, his other great moment in this episode being his plaintive protest of “I asked him for an Emperor Burger, and ‘ee brings me back a cheeseburger!”
Cash And Curry
An oddity in various ways. One is that this episode only features Del and Rodney, leaving Grandad to slump in front of his tellies (or not, as the case may be by the end).
Another crucial difference between this and others is that Del and Rodney lose in their wheeler dealing. Some episodes can end on a downbeat note (Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, Modern Men, etc), but these come from a personal place. When it comes to making money though, they usually win out – but here they lose everything: money, possessions, and also their pride.
Del and Rodney are hoodwinked by two conmen who dupe them into believing that they are bitter rivals. Mr Ram and Vimmal Malik, two so-called businessmen, are squabbling over a statue of a Hindu god, Kubera. In fact, the statue is worthless, the sort of thing you can get for a cheap price on Portobello Road. Ram and Malik are seen together in a plush car at the end of the episode, laughing at the Trotters’ ignorance as they make off with a hefty lump of cash.
Some modern-day viewers tend to pounce on some of the more dated aspects of Only Fools And Horses, and episodes like this and the following season’s Yellow Peril would, I’m sure, give them ammunition. But in this episode, that’s the point. Ram and Malik pick on the Trotters’ cluelessness, leaving it to Del and Rodney to clean themselves and their flat out.
Plus, Renu Setna always provides great value, and he’s brilliant as Mr Ram. I especially like his dry response after Del has suggested that he writes to That’s Life to try and get his statue back: “But this happened a century ago, Mr Trotter. If Lord Krishna himself couldn’t help us, I really don’t think Esther Rantzen would stand much chance!”
Ashes To Ashes
An important ingredient of a good sitcom is simplicity. Start with a simple idea and then work around it to create a half hour of comedy gold.
Ashes To Ashes is no exception, with the simple premise of Del and Rodney attempting to get rid of Trigger’s grandfather’s ashes. They do so with inevitably hilarious results, whether at the Peckham Bowling Green, on the waters of St Katharine Docks, or next to a cement mixer. One of my favourite scenes in this is Del spooking out a horrified Grandad who thinks that he’s communing with Trigger’s grandad, since he’d had an affair with his wife.
And with that in mind, it builds up to a simple but brilliantly worked out payoff.
A Losing Streak
The payoff is also key to this tautly plotted half hour of comedy. I know the chandelier bit in A Touch Of Glass is the one that everyone mentions about Season Two, but like another moment which I’ll come to, over-familiarity has robbed it of greatness.
A Losing Streak, however, thrives on its plotting, and also boasts the first of many great turns from John Challis as Boycie. Challis would become one of the sitcom’s big success stories as the imposing car dealer – to the point where he would also get his own spin-off show The Green Green Grass (which is worth checking out, incidentally: some good stuff to be had there).
It’s actually interesting to see the early stages of Boycie. He’d had a couple of lines in Go West, Young Man on film, but here, he presents as a more threatening presence which is far removed from the cackling wisecracker he’d later become. Challis later wrote in his autobiography, Being Boycie, of how his tall, imposing stature belied a gentle comedian. Fortunately, the rough edges of early Boycie would be smoothed down to help form one of the best-loved characters in Only Fools And Horses.
Healthy Competition
From time to time, Only Fools And Horses would pit the Trotter brothers against each other. Sometimes it didn’t always work – the idea that Rodney would date a policewoman in Season Two’s Long Legs Of The Law was a bit of a stretch, while the third season’s Wanted (in which Del’s prank on Rodney crosses a line) leaves a nasty aftertaste in the mouth.
Earlier that season, though, Healthy Competition gets the balance right, as Rodney attempts to set up a rival trading company with Mickey Pearce (his first episode). Del ensures that Rodney learns a very valuable lesson the hard way, but without the unpleasant practical jokes played in Wanted. It also gets one of the biggest audience laughs with Grandad’s quip of “What you got, Rodney? A Wendy House?”
Friday The 14th
A commendable stab at a horror spoof as the Trotters go down to Cornwall for a fishing break at Boycie’s weekend cottage. What should be a straightforward leisurely stay becomes the stuff of nightmares as they find out that a psychotic axe murderer is on the loose in the local area.
As well as Christopher Malcolm’s comically sinister turn as a security chief who isn’t quite what he seems, Friday The 14th is blessed with a stack of classic one-liners. I’ll try and limit these to just three. There’s Rodney’s scepticism about Boycie’s generosity: “Boycie would scalp you if dandruff had a going rate.” Then there’s Del’s musings about the possibility of the killer lurking in the bedroom: “Well I shouldn’t let it worry you, Grandad, cos the three bears have probably eaten him by now!” And finally, Grandad on the meaning of a psycho: “It’s a geezer what dresses up in his mother’s clothes!”
Yesterday Never Comes
The third season of Only Fools And Horses contains some hidden gems, and Yesterday Never Comes is one of those oft-overlooked episodes that turns out to be a surprisingly strong half hour.
A frequent theme of Only Fools And Horses’ early days is the hapless love lives of the Trotters who are blown out more times than a windsock. Del especially seems to pick the wrong ‘uns who are either already committed (Heather) or are users (Pauline in The Second Time Around).
One of the most notable examples of the user is snooty antiques dealer Miranda Davenport, who puts up with Del’s curries and wanton sexism – all for the sake of a valuable Joshua Blythe painting. A key strength of Only Fools And Horses is its choice of acting talent to bring the supporting characters to life. Juliet Hammond-Hill is excellent as Miranda, perfectly pitching the sneering disdain in Del’s direction, especially in the revelatory final scene when – as ever – there’s a final twist in the tale.
Strained Relations
If you’re after a half hour full of chuckles, you won’t find it in Strained Relations. There is the odd funny moment – such as when the vicar misplaces his hat – but instead it concentrates more on saying goodbye to actor Lennard Pearce, who had sadly passed away in late 1984.
As well as re-establishing the status quo of Only Fools And Horses (replacing Grandad with Buster Merryfield’s sprightly Uncle Albert), Strained Relations doesn’t shirk from looking at the grief process. That it manages to do so with great skill and pathos is why it’s earned a place in my Top 20. The scripting is sensitively observed with the obviously grief-stricken Rodney failing to comprehend why Del isn’t mourning in the same fashion.
To match this is some of the best acting from both Nicholas Lyndhurst and David Jason – the latter especially excelling in the big showdown towards the end when he confesses that his brash persona masks a man who doesn’t know how to mourn: “Bloody families! I’m finished with them! What do they do to you, eh? Hold you back? Drag you down? And then they… break your bloody heart.” A masterclass of writing and acting.
To Hull And Back
The Only Fools And Horses Christmas special would become one of the hallmarks of British TV in the ’80s and ’90s. The first three had been regular half-hour episodes, with only Thicker Than Water hitting the mark. The mean-spirited joylessness of 1981’s Christmas Crackers and the melancholy schmaltz of Diamonds Are For Heather didn’t produce anything in the way of special – but 1985 saw a change of tack.
To Hull And Back was the first of many extended Christmas episodes, which again would have mixed results. The following year’s A Royal Flush failed completely, taking the mean-spirited joylessness to a new extreme with Del’s deliberate sabotaging of Rodney’s relationship with upper-crust Lady Victoria. To Hull And Back, however, spreads its wings to the climes of both Hull and Amsterdam to create a mini-heist movie for the small screen. It also gives both the regulars plenty of good material, as well as the guest stars of both Hoskins and the horribly loathsome Roy Slater, brought to life with gusto by Jim Broadbent.
The Longest Night
I’ve always enjoyed this one – partly because of Vas Blackwood’s great comic timing as Lennox ‘The Shuh-aa-doow’ Gilbey. Blackwood is one of OFAH’s greatest guest stars, making you laugh from the moment that he comically struts along the supermarket aisles, nonchalantly stealing food with glee. In Gilbey’s mind, he’s the greatest master criminal that ever graced the Earth, but in practice, he’s woefully inept – which he frequently blames on his “BLOODY WATCH!” that’s probably worth about 16p.
A successful attempt at doing a Trotters Under Siege episode. Sullivan neatly moves the plot pieces into place, revealing the outwardly innocent shop manager and security guard to be in on the whole charade. Plus, there’s the classic moment when you think Rodney’s going to try and steal Gilbey’s gun, when in fact he’s merely reaching for a sneaky cigarette!
Yuppy Love
The crème de la menthe of Only Fools And Horses is its sixth season, and it’s no wonder that a good number of my favourites are picked from the 1989 run.
By this point, John Sullivan had made the smart decision to expand from half an hour to 50 minutes. This extension allowed more time for the characters to not only breathe, but evolve with backstories and memories from their younger days. Very rarely do you get a sitcom with so many memorably fully-formed characters. The Trotters aside, here you’ve got Trigger, Boycie, Marlene, Denzil, Mike, Sid – plus later love interests Raquel and Cassandra.
Cassandra makes her debut in this great Season Six episode, which also sees Del fully embrace the Yuppy lifestyle which was in vogue by the late ’80s. Given Rodney’s past love failures, his relationship with Cassandra is surprisingly sweet as he shyly asks her to dance after an initial embarrassing encounter at his evening class. Who would have thought that a name in a coat could be so funny?
The most infamous clip is the bit where Del unassumingly falls through a gap in a Yuppy wine bar (“Play it nice ‘n’ cool, Trig, nice ‘n’ cool”) but it is in danger of getting overplayed. Indeed, as a substitute, I’d plump for that lengthy final scene at the end in which Del catches drowned rat Rodney (“I took a short cut through a car wash”) out after attempting to convince Cassandra that he lives in upmarket Yuppy suburbia rather than a poky old flat in Nelson Mandela House. The dialogue positively sizzles as Jason and Lyndhurst play joke tennis with each other – and a delightful bonus is that neither seems able to keep a straight face.
Chain Gang
As well as being the king of the funny quip, John Sullivan was a master at plotting. Some sitcoms of the same vintage, while funny, don’t have as much staying power, because of shoddy plotting which is ridden with more holes than a stainless steel colander.
But Sullivan’s writing strengths put Only Fools And Horses a cut above the rest, and Chain Gang is no exception. It needs a bit of work on the viewer’s part to pay attention to all the twists and turns, but it’s well worth it. Philip McGough is another of those great guest artists to visit the Trotters and his shifty Arnie is a memorably duplicitous rat.
This episode’s laugh-out-loud pick of the humdingers include Del’s reaction to Rodney’s and Cassandra’s kiss (“Last time I saw anything like that it was at the circus”) and Rodney’s incredulous discovery of Arnie’s gold chains (“What d’ya do? Mug Mr T?!?”).
The Unlucky Winner Is…
Not even pausing for breath, Season Six brings in another winner, as Del cadges a free holiday with Rodney and Cassandra after he’s sent a winning entry to a breakfast cereal company on his brother’s behalf.
The only problem is that Rodney’s Marble Arch At Dawn was painted when he was 14, so Rodney is swiftly conscripted into a holiday kids’ club called The Groovy Gang. If that sounds absurd, it’s because it is, resulting in some of the sitcom’s funniest moments as Rodney does battle with a Fun Bus, skateboarding and disco dancing competitions, plus unwanted attention from a Brossette called Trudy.
A perfect mix of first-rate scripting, hilarious jokes and top-notch performances. Jason and Lyndhurst have never been better, and Gwyneth Strong gets the chance to make her mark as Cassandra, who’s equal parts horrified and highly amused by the whole debacle.
Little Problems
Reaching for the right balance of comedy and poignancy, John Sullivan grabs it with both hands in Only Fools And Horses. There’s no better example than the Season Six closer, Little Problems, in which Rodney and Cassandra finally tie the knot.
For every amusing scene that will make you chuckle (such as when Del, Mickey and Jevon ask Trigger why he’s also hiding from the Driscoll Brothers), there’s one that will break your heart. The shocking scene in which the camera pans out from Del’s bruised and bloodied torso shows the lengths he’ll go to look after his brother is one instance, but then there’s also the high-up shot of Del all alone in the Nag’s Head special occasion room, clutching a cake figurine of his brother. Never have Simply Red tugged at the heartstrings as much as this.
And for a Doctor Who sad case like me, it always amuses me that Cassandra’s folks are played by Denis Lill and Wanda Ventham, who appeared together as Dr Fendelman and Thea Ransome in the 1977 spook-a-thon, Image Of The Fendahl.
The Jolly Boys Outing
The mistake that so many modern day TV planners make when it comes to Christmas Day viewing is making each special revolve around the festive season. After an early trio of festive beezers, Only Fools And Horses would broaden its horizons and present viewers with nothing but a good time.
The most good time of the lot is when the Trotters and their friends pack their buckets and spades for their annual beano to Margate. It’s an hour and a half of quickfire gags, memorable setpieces (the exploding bus) and Chas ‘n’ Dave.
Perhaps the only frustration is the issues with music rights – in which episodes like this would be hacked to pieces on commercially available videos and DVDs, so as to skirt around the issue of not having to pay top whack for pop songs. This one, Yuppy Love and Miami Twice suffered the most in this regard – but despite this issue, The Jolly Boys Outing is the ultimate antidote to those Christmas Blues.
Rodney Come Home
A brave attempt at doing something a bit different for the 1990 Christmas special – which also serves as the introduction to the seventh season, as The Sky’s The Limit aired only five days after. This is an episode that rearranges the character dynamics again in that Rodney is left a stranger in both his own marriage and in his old flat. His marriage to Cassandra is in tatters and his room at the flat is currently occupied by Raquel – at least until she agrees to “stamp Del’s card”.
What Rodney Come Home conjures up so well is that sense of bittersweet poignancy. Del’s attempts to intervene in Rodney’s hopeless plan to make Cassandra jealous backfire and make a bad situation 10 times worse. It ends on a note of uncertainty with Rodney forlornly making his way back to the Trotter flat to the sounds of Joan Armatrading’s splendid ballad, Somebody Who Loves You.
Stealing this particular show though is Buster Merryfield. The scene in which he’s told by Del to look horrified at Rodney taking another woman to the pictures is one of Only Fools And Horses’ most laugh-out loud moments. To the point where even David Jason fails miserably to keep a straight face.
Stage Fright
Supporting characters have come and supporting characters have gone, but none have made their mark quite as memorably as Tony Angelino (brilliantly played by Philip Pope).
The headline act at the Down By The Riverside Club, Tony Angelino is a terrible, middle-of-the-road act with terrible taste in cover versions, and a tacky image that comprises Ronseal fake tan, a curly wig, five-inch platform boots and a product from Mattessons.
The genius of Tony is how Sullivan scripts him never to pronounce the letter ‘R’, so that when he reluctantly performs Roy Orbison’s Crying with Raquel, it ends up taking the viewer by surprise. That was one of Sullivan’s genius tricks – to spring a surprise on the audience, and the instant that Angelino hollers: “CUH-WY-EE-YY-EE-INNGG!!” is one of his greatest and funniest didn’t-see-that-coming moments.
Three Men, A Woman And A Baby
In the days before I had my own telly and VCR, the best I could manage was recording my favourite episodes off my mum and dad’s home entertainment set-up on to an audio cassette tape. Three Men, A Woman And A Baby was one of those that got played the most in the mid-’90s and frequently cheered me up on a miserable university day.
Maybe it’s that familiarity that appeals. Revisiting it after so long is like catching up with an old chum you haven’t seen for some time. But it’s also packed full of comedy hits that never miss the mark. The syrups. Rodney’s ponytail and his feeble attempt to impress Cassandra. The Omen zoom-in horror. Best of all, Trigger’s musing on the possible name of the baby: “If it’s a girl, they’re going to name it Sigourney, after an actress. And if it’s a boy, they’re going to name him Rodney (looks at Rodney). After Dave.”
But the episode and series ends on a lump-in-throat moment, as Del promises the world to his newborn son. If like me, you can still remember the days when your children were born, it’ll bring back fond memories. And maybe a quiet tear or two.
Miami Twice
A controversial choice I’m sure. Not many seem to like Miami Twice much, but I’ve always liked its ambition and scope. It’s a lavish feature film for Christmas Day!
Fair do’s, it is unusually arranged – the first part is the more conventional videotape studio interior-slash-audience laughter track, while the second is shot entirely on film, without a laughter track (which was subsequently added to the butchered VHS and DVD releases).
It’s funny seeing Del and Rodney so out of their depth. Like with Cash And Curry, they’re caught on the back foot. On their own home turf of Peckham, they’re confident kings of their own castle, but in the sunny, cosmopolitan climes of Miami, they’re fishes out of water. It says a lot that they’re too awed by their plush new accommodation chez Occhetti that they don’t twig that their lives are in danger.
On the subject of the Occhettis, David Jason is superb in his dual role, and despite one or two shared Del mannerisms and facial expressions, he pulls off the bad guy very well, and gives him the right level of comic menace. I think Jason was in the frame to play Kane in the Doctor Who story Dragonfire, and I think he could well have gone to town on this.
Plus, the location filming is exquisite. John Walker and Alec Curtis share the massive workload, and create a stunning visual feast, full of vibrancy and energy. Walker had been a notable cameraman on Doctor Who, helping to bring Paris to life in City Of Death. Sadly, he recently passed away, but his superlative camera work will live on forever.
Time On Our Hands
I wish that Only Fools And Horses had finished with this. The later trilogy of the early ’00s was inevitable, and I can understand why the BBC commissioned more episodes. They wanted a big Christmas Day grab, and they got it with the revival of one of Britain’s best-loved sitcoms.
But the three 21st century episodes are nowhere near as good. They have their moments of inspiration, but they also have their moments of facepalm – and I’m still trying to work out which side the “GARY!” one falls on.
Time On Our Hands, however, wraps up the story of the Trotters in one perfect package. It throws everything in Sullivan’s writing armoury at the viewers. Great comedy. Silliness (Albert confusing Bisto with Maxwell House). Perfect plotting. And also, genuine lump-in-throat emotion. The scene in the lift may be the most honestly raw that the show ever did, and if you don’t have a tear in your eye by the time that Nicholas Lyndhurst has broken down, you must be Trigger’s broom.
Mind you, the ending – with the Trotters finally getting their reward is just as poignant. Whether it’s Denzil slowly leading a rapturous round of applause in the pub or the brothers’ realisation that Trotters Independent Traders has no reason to function any more, Time On Our Hands tugs on the heartstrings like no other episode.
There’s a brilliant irony in the MacGuffin, which is so typical of Sullivan’s intricate plotting. A throwaway item, tossed on to a stove at the start of the episode, turns out to be the multi-million pound maker that’s been in the Trotters’ possession from Day One. Genius, and just one example of how everything is tied together in one neat bow by John Sullivan.
There will never be another sitcom writer like him.
(Screengrabs credited to BBC)
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